Humid weather fills the air for almost a month, starting from almost the end of May to midway June 2021. I wasn't a fan of such weather, so I opt to turn on my air conditioner. As I insist on indulging in such luxuries, our electric bill suffered tremendously, causing my mother to sigh in defeat as she saw the already ballooning pile of bills and credit card payables. My stepdad can do nothing but hand over his last salary, knowing that whatever amount of money he gave to my mother will disappear in seconds. Electric bills alone would eat that 10 thousand pesos away as if it never existed.
Hello, diary. How I missed you.
It's been a while since I last wrote to you. I was busy. Ever since January started, we had intermittent internet signals. Our wired internet is not working as it is supposed to be, thus forcing us to buy prepaid internet load for internet needs. these prepaid loads are quite expensive, and at that time, my brother was in his online class, thus his internet connection is always the priority. Well, it is not that I wasn't able to use the internet, as I'm able to use Free Facebook whenever I want, and a borrowed Netflix account from my aunt.
Let me give you an overview of my life thus far.
After I felt a little okay with my body, I decided to look for work, yet work is hard to come by. It is pandemic and some companies closed their doors due to lack of sales. I also told myself that I won't take jobs that will make me suffer physically or mentally, as my energy dipped a lot more lately. I easily get tired, I feel sleepy most of the time, and I have these body pains that never seem to go away. I already knew that back-breaking jobs are not for me.
Of course, a part of me missed my old job. Despite the tough working schedules I once had when I was a teacher, I missed talking to students. I missed giving lectures, I missed those moments when I laugh and cry with my kids. I missed those moments when I was able to cheer a distressed mother because her daughter was behind at school. I missed those times when students write a letter to me, thanking me for teaching them valuable lessons that they will always remember. I hope my students would still remember me, despite the short time we spent together as teacher and student. Sadly, I had to leave teaching due to the demands of the job. I can't work for 7 days a week and only paid for 5. I don't like the salary, and I don't like that the teacher does everything, including the paperwork not related to teaching.
After I left, I decided to spend time with myself. I took therapy for mental health, as my bipolar disorder is hurting me mentally. I had series of online consultations with my psych doctor, taking medicines for mental health. the sessions lasted for 2 months until I ran out of money. As much as I would like to keep on going with my sessions and spend more time with my doctor, we had to part ways. I can no longer afford the medications. Around 2021, I went back to square 1 with my bipolar 2 disorder.
I am in a constant battle with myself. Should I get a job, or should I just stop working? I was thinking of going into business, but what kind of business? I used to sell journals online, but right now, with the pandemic, I don't know if I could still do bulk buying and price haggling, and commuting to different places just to get good deals. As much as I love to eat and studied culinary arts, cooking is not exactly my hobby. Online food delivery is also out of my options. I don't like to cook. At all. With no options left, I went to freelance writing.
My freelance gig is as dry as Sahara. My first ever client was a cheat, who offered me a gig way below the industry standards. I was devastated when I learned how much I was shortchanged compared to how much I worked for this person. I abruptly canceled our contract. then I went to Upwork, Fiverr, and looked somewhere else, navigating the recesses of the virtual job posting sites and Google for some glimmer of hope. Sadly, it's either I don't pass their qualifying exams, I don't have enough internet speeds, or they would just say I don't qualify for the job. Some even ghosted me — this company didn't even show up to the agreed schedule of the work interview and just left me hanging in zoom for three hours.
From January, come February, from February, come March, then April, May, June.
Anyway, let's backtrack for a bit. Between these months, there are a lot more things happened. I did some volunteer teaching, put up my own community pantry, signed to a lot of short online classes, workshops, seminars, and social media. I also read a lot more comics and none of the intellectually stimulating books. My depression killed my thirst for knowledge. I just wanted to escape my mediocrity. I want to forget myself. I want to live vicariously in awakened dreams of grandeur and magic, as I felt nothing of that in my life outside of the internet. I spent time on my phone reading webtoons and social media, scrolling and reading stories that don't really worth much.
Webtoons lead the way for me to escape myself. At least, I told myself, I get to live the life of a badass villainess, wearing fancy victorian and rococo gowns with ribbons, laces, constricting corsets, and heavy crinoline — dresses I won't ever be able to wear in real life, for these gowns are heavy, impractical, and hard to wash. Also, I'm not a badass villainess with wit and beauty who can make beautiful men love her. I am just a plain, obese girl who can't seem to lose weight, who wasn't even trying to do so.
On two separate posts after this, I would share my experiences with
1. Organizing, managing, and eventually cease of operation of the short-lived community pantry in my locale, and
2. My experience getting Astra Zeneca vaccines for the first time.
I have photos I want to upload together with the story behind them. I think it would be interesting to go in-depth into these two life experiences, as I have a lot.
Anyway, let's backtrack some more.
May 26, 2021 — My birthday.
I became 28 years old. Time surely flies by so fast. I am another year older, with no significant achievement in life. I can't make heads or tails with my age. Am I an adult, or a kid? The usual benchmarks of adulthood are absent in my life — a house, a car, a stable work, living independently. Things like that. Adults around my age are either drunk at some bar, having sex, getting married, or just working a stable job. I had none of that good stuff.
I don't care much about sex, but I care a lot about living independently. With me being jobless since October 2020, it's demoralizing to still live with my parents, to not have any stable income, and no personal achievements whatsoever. I can't help but feel awful about myself. I still haven't achieved my dream of becoming a writer, and the novel I've been writing for the past 5 years was still stuck somewhere on chapter 3 or 4. I haven't gotten anywhere, and I'm getting impatient with myself. I failed my Digital Marketing exam last 2021, too. So goodbye to the Pearson Vue certificate. Well, at least I still have a certificate of participation to show. I was out of focus, both with my studies and my life. I don't know which direction to take. I feel frustrated at myself for not being able to focus and sit still. For not retaining any information I read, for eventually giving up on life, for few months. It was only this June that I decided to bounce back and go back to studying. I know, took me a long time to wake up, but I indeed woke up.
This June, I decided to take up a total of 6 online classes: Digital Marketing class this coming July, Digital Art and Digital Painting, Video Editing, Website Development at Udemy, and Digital Journalism at Reuters. I hope I'd be able to finish this all. This frustration at myself led me to this decision. I know I had to do something. If I won't ever go back to teaching, my best option is to work in the advertising or freelance industry. I was hoping to become "marketable" and offer my services again to various clients as my freelance work. I know it would be hard, as I'm struggling to focus on reading texts and watching videos. I am at home for more than a year, I missed the outside world. My condition as someone with lots of comorbidities forbids me to work outside of my home. My best option is to work from home, as I can no longer commute for fear of getting COVID-19. With my weak lungs and paper-thin immune system, I fear I might die sooner if I insist to do more than what my body is capable of doing.
With that said, this is just a short update on my life thus far. I am doing okay. Still struggling to get my footing with life, but I won't going to lose hope. I just have to try harder. Trust me, this is my pep talk to myself. Thoughts of suicide still linger on. I never hid that with any of my journal entries. I feel helpless with my situation. I still cry, feel self-pity, and hate myself a lot of times. I am my worst critic. I feel insecure. I think of the "what ifs". What if my mother died suddenly? My brother has his dad. He has a family to go back to. How about me? I'm considered an adult. My mother is my only family. What would I do in life without her? Thoughts of my mother leaving me someday, one way or another, made me feel even more terrified. Someday, everything will disappear. The house I'm living in, the cushion of relatively middle-class life, etc. Mom has a small business but she never taught me how to run it. she doesn't even expect me to actually inherit her business, as she thought her business would die before her. I feel sad. If only I was taught how to make money, I won't feel this insecure. Money is freedom, and if anyone says money isn't everything, either too rich to live or was living off someone else's money. Money isn't going to make people happy but it provides creature comforts and security. It provides food on the table, clothing, a roof over one's head, provides sustenance to the needy, sends a child to school, books, art materials, a piece of land to use for farming, ergo, things that make people happy.
I'll end this entry with hope, as it is 5:06 A.M today. They say that sunrise is a start of a new day. Sunrise symbolizes new beginnings, and hope for a better future. I hope today is the day I'd be able to get myself out of the quicksand of negative feelings and emotions and continue to do what I do now. I still dream of getting that Pearson Vue certificate, to re-enroll in a Digital Marketing class, to get a job in the advertising industry despite my age. I hope these insecurities will get away from me. I just want to live and be myself again.